I came to the conclusion that I am the main reason why I don’t get to experience new things, which is funny, because I had no problem leaving it all behind when I moved to a city where I didn’t know a soul. Nowadays I have to mentally prepare myself before leaving the house, and have in many occasion turned down opportunities for being too shy and being convinced that I wouldn’t be able to deal with it. It’s extremely frustrating, because deep inside I know that I’d be happy once I manage to get to whatever I was meant to.
I’m writing this because recently I had the chance to meet someone who I’ve admired for a very long time. Although it would be very casual, I knew that there would be more people attending, so I didn’t even consider going. The thought of starting a conversation with someone I don’t know, plus having others surrounding us is terrifying. Not only that, but even when I’m with a group that I do know, I tend to mumble or speak so low that I end up in that awkward situation where I have to repeat myself over and over. Imagine doing this while other people are talking and wanting to be heard? Because that’s how I imagine that group meetings go. I can deal with one to one conversations, especially if the other end happens to take no note on my shyness and just go along. This usually helps me to relax and before I know, I’m actually having a good time. Unfortunately, I can’t guarantee that this is how things will go.
I don’t mind not talking to people when I know that nothing good would come out of it. For instance, I used to work for a business where my job was to supervise bookings at a club in West London. Now, I’m not a clubbing person at all, so I’d be on my phone the entire time, just hanging by the corner of the bar, or hidden in the cloak whenever I had the chance to. I’d get the work done, but avoid any unnecessary conversations. I was fine with my technique, and all of this would be absolutely fine if it didn’t mean that I act exactly the same way when it comes to people that I actually want to meet. I’ve talked before about how lucky I’ve been when it comes to make friends, and I mean it! I find extremely stressful to get to know people. It’s usually fine when I’m already there, but mentally preparing myself is the hard part, as well as the whole time that I’m awkwardly standing around, gathering strength to join a conversation.
It’s always better to have some company, this way I know that I can rely on that person to talk to if I feel like I can’t move on. Depending on the company, I do feel comfortable enough to engage other people in our conversation, but making new acquaintances alone is an absolute nightmare; I usually have an inner freak out and leave quietly before anyone notices me. I hope I’m not sounding like a bad excuse of a human being and that more people can relate to this. I honestly intend to work on it and make an effort to step out of my comfort zone without having a breakdown. I do feel like this is holding me back and I’m truly wasting some great opportunities. Maybe I’ll be back with a post where I share a story of how accomplished I feel after managing to attend to some event or meet someone new. Fingers crossed!